Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I was watching a movie a few weeks ago that had a great line.  “Can a girl fall down a rabbit hole and emerge unchanged?”  We’ve all taken our tumbles down rabbit holes, and we all know the answer.  No, you can’t.  This has been a journey for me with more twists and turns than I could have imagined.  The end is not yet in sight, but I thought it would be a good idea to take a look at what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed.  Through my blog I’ve given a glimpse of what it’s like to be a Phone Actress.  I’ve tried to be as honest as possible, but I have shied away from what happens to the Phone Actress herself.  Before I started this job I was pretty much like everyone else.  I went to my 9 to 5 job Monday thru Friday filling my weekends with playdates, birthday parties and the occasional girl’s night out.  I had hopes and dreams for my future that slowly started to fade away as I realized I was already living my future.  I didn’t become a Phone Actress because I thought I could do something special with it, I started because I had to pay bills and I wanted a little extra income.  It just morphed into something special on it’s own.  I found that I still had opinions and that I deserved more than a lame job that wasn’t going anywhere.  Running parallel to my own personal discoveries, I was also exploring the myriad forms of sex and pleasure.  Compared to what I know now, I was pretty innocent before, and boring.  I’ve become more self-confident and independent.  And as many of my friends have pointed out, sexier.  Suddenly I see men in a totally different light.  And like those damn fluorescent lights in dressing rooms, it’s not the greatest.  As a woman I saw plenty of other women with that gleam in their eye or small smile that seemed to taunt and say ‘I know a secret’.  Suddenly, I have it too.  I wouldn’t have found it if I didn’t take that leap down the rabbit hole.  Having sexual confidence is something I never thought I could master, but this job taught me how.  As with any job, you take something away with you into your everyday life, and this is no different.  Knowing what to say and how to say it was always a challenge.  I didn’t have the confidence in myself to talk sexy and not sound like an idiot.  Being a PSO forced that out of me.  Learning what men desire has also been a huge plus for me as well.  While no two men are alike, most want the same thing.  And knowing what they want, how to tease and play with it…well, let’s just say it’s a real confidence booster.  I’ve also learned that women deserve more respect than they get.  This is the most difficult part of my job.  Hearing a man put me down and call me sexually degrading names is hard to stomach.  I’ve gotten plenty of clients who are kind and considerate.  I’ve even had clients that just want to talk.  When I get a client that just wants to call me a sl-t or a b–ch, I cringe.  I can’t help it.  It didn’t bother me too much at first, but as time passed I began to realize that this was how some men actually thought women should be treated.  My natural reaction was to get angry.  What right did these men have to put me down?!?  All the right in the world because they were paying for it.  I had to change my perception of these clients and just tune out what they were really saying.  Not an easy thing to do when you have to listen to the fantasy and participate.  I was able to change my attitude enough to realize that these men actually had to pay someone to listen to them be, well, assholes.  Something to think about.  I’m still falling down this rabbit hole, but when I emerge, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell.  

Published in: on April 18, 2007 at 2:29 am  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. U do have a way with words) im contemplating going into the wild and unknown as a pso we need the $ my biggest worry is whether to keep it from my husband or tell him my idea of xtra income. I dnt wnt 2 be looked at diffrently by him. Any insights?

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